Carry This Picture

So there's this guy...

2011-06-07T16:17:00.000-07:00

Nothing serious. Went to a club after the concert on Friday in downtown DC. Met this cute Navy guy stationed in Maryland. He was nice, he was cute, he was someone. We hung out the whole night. It felt nice to get the male attention. It's been a while. It felt good to forget the fact that Luke hasn't called, that he hasn't made much of an effort, that he still confuses the hell out of me, even as friends. This guy was a good kisser. He was a romancer. He was interested in me. It was so easy to get lost in it all. I had fun. He asked for my number, which I gave him. He texts me almost every day. He wants to meet up again.

I'm not looking for anything with this guy. He's in Maryland, he's in the Navy, and he'll be returning to Mississippi in a year. It was just a fun night, and he's a nice guy who I can flirt with and feel good about. It was nice not regretting kissing a random guy on a smoke-filled dance floor, because I wasn't doing it to make anyone jealous or escape somewhere. Hell, I was even stone-cold sober. So I might take a friend with me and meet him at the club again this summer. I might go to dinner with him before. It's nice that the pressure isn't there. It's nice that my heart isn't forming any attachments or getting its hopes up for anything, because I'm not expecting anything. I'm not even wanting anything right now.

The distraction, however, is just what I needed.

2011-05-26T09:04:00.000-07:00

I miss what I didn't have.

I Believe...

2011-05-17T20:02:00.000-07:00

I believe...

The person who holds the most influence over you is yourself.

I believe...

Art is a message that needs no words.

I believe...

Everyone has something to say.

I believe...

Ideas will be the most valuable things you will ever possess.

I believe...

Love knows no face, no color, no gender, no distance, no logic.

I believe...

Each day is a gift.

I believe...

It's up to you to decide how to use that gift.

I believe...

Art can say everything without saying anything.

I believe...

Music has the power to heal, empower, and break.

I believe...

Every one of us can be great.

I believe...

You never truly hit rock bottom, because no matter how bad it gets, you still continue to put one foot in front of the other.

I believe...

Your biggest enemy is yourself.

What do you believe?

Power of Emotion

2011-05-03T12:50:00.000-07:00

No matter how much I'd like to think of myself as being a strong, independent woman, I still crumble at his smile. I give myself pep talks to make myself not care anymore, and he makes me laugh once, and I forget every reason I had for not being head over heels.

It's impossible not to feel something for him. How can I tell myself to forget this feeling that I've never had about anyone before? He's everything. My resolve just isn't enough. I pretend like it isn't killing me to be "just friends." Like it isn't killing me that he can't see what I can. That it isn't enough to want something so bad. Yeah, there's plenty of fish in the sea, but I don't want another one. I found one I want. I'd like to think this is more than just some girly crush. I feel the connection, but unfortunately the wire is frayed at the other end.

I'd like to blog about something else. Something tangible and meaningful, but my head is so clogged full of feeling like this. I can't push anything else into my head or my heart because it's so full of him.

Where the Time Goes

2011-04-30T15:55:00.000-07:00

Wow. Unbelievable. My last Saturday at JMU until the fall. I cannot believe how far we've all come in what seems now like such a short time. It's such a bittersweet moment. I am so excited to come home and be with my friends and family, but at the same time, I have my own separate friends and family here at JMU.

It's weird to think that I won't be returning to Potomac Hall next year with all these amazing and crazy girls. We're going to be all over Harrisonburg. I'm going to miss the Walmart shopping cart races down the hallway, the hair dying in the bathroom, karaoke at E-Hall, hall dinner dates, and other crazy shinanigans. Living with people really brings you so much closer than you would ever think you could ever be with people in a few short months.

Looking back at the beginning of the year when I thought I'd never fit in with a crowd, I could not have been more wrong. I have new best friends from the dorm, great friends from all the art classes, and many others in between. That's what I love most about JMU. There are no cliques. People don't care whether you're a partier, whether you're in a sorority or a frat, or anything else. We all overlap and mesh perfectly. It's a beautiful thing. I come from a town where diversity falls pretty flat, and yet there are distinct groups everywhere. Here, where the diversity is immense, the only group we care about is JMU. I've met so many different people and experienced more in these few months than I have in the 18 years back home.

This has been the perfect freshman year. I overcame the anxiety and fear of change. I did well in my classes. I made friendships that will last me through the rest of my life. I learned so much about art. I learned so much about love. I learned so much about life. I learned so much about myself. What more could I ask for? It's sad to see it end, if even just for 4 months. Now for finals and move-out day and many more adventures to come.

100 Ways to Uncomplicate Your Life

2011-04-19T18:21:00.000-07:00

Found this on stumbleupon today. =)

Here are 100 ways to uncomplicate it...

1. Don’t try to read other people’s minds

2. Get up 30 minutes earlier so that you don’t rush/get a ticket while driving too fast/have to explain why you’re late/get fired

3. Get 8 hours of sleep per night so that you think more clearly

4. Stick to your budget

5. Start saving and investing every week, no matter how little you can spare

6. Balance your checkbook

7. Don’t try to be friends with everyone. Cultivate closer relationships with fewer people.

8. Don’t try to do business with everyone. Identify your target client and take very good care of them.

9. Before getting angry, ask yourself if it will really matter in 20 years

10. Focus on being a good person, not on pleasing others

11. Stay home this Saturday, and finish off that nagging chore that you need to finish

12. Kiss and make up

13. Make a weekly menu, and shop for only those items at the market

14. Ask your grandparents the best way to uncomplicate life, and try it for a month

15. Fill up your gas tank when it’s half full

16. Don’t drink alcohol when you’re tired, sad or mad

17. Pay your bills on time

18. Get an annual physical examination

19. Say “I love you” to your significant other and to your children. Studies show that more marriages last, and fewer kids use drugs, when these words are spoken every day.

20. For just one day, imagine everyone’s intentions are good because most people’s are

21. Give away clothes that haven’t been worn in two years

22. Throw out clothes that are in disrepair, and can’t be mended

23. When you have a conflict with someone, talk it out. Don’t let it turn into more than it is.

24. Know what your priorities are in life, and act as if they are your priorities

25. Tell the truth

26. Don’t cheat

27. Don’t steal

28. If you’re holding on to a ridiculous grudge, let it go

29. Clean your house weekly, so that it doesn’t become too large a chore

30. Do your best at work, or at school

31. Don’t eat when you aren’t hungry

32. Eat when you are hungry

33. Be yourself

34. Say no unapologetically

35. Cook simple meals

36. Don’t try to keep up with the Joneses

37. Pay off your car before buying a new one

38. Organise your desk at the office

39. Change your smoke alarm batteries when the clocks spring forward, and again when they fall back

40. Organise your important paperwork

41. Take only half the clothes that you planned to take with you on holiday

42. Help your children with their homework every night, and have an open dialogue with their teachers

43. Have white sheets and white towels in children’s rooms/bathrooms, because they’re easily bleached

44. Spend your time with nice people

45. Avoid drama

46. Don’t text or talk on the phone while driving

47. Turn off the television/video games/computer; they’re time consumers

48. Don’t engage in office politics

49. Refuse to gossip, or talk behind other people’s backs

50. Do the dishes right after dinner

51. Never go to sleep angry

52. Ask nicely for what you need and want

53. Walk 10,000 steps per day to help your heart

54. Do 20 push-ups before speaking in anger

55. Leave work at work

56. Don’t befriend anyone that isn’t trustworthy

57. Don’t envy others

58. Have your oil changed

59. Take vitamin C BEFORE you catch a cold

60. Don’t work more than 8 hours per day

61. Weed your garden weekly

62. Wash your car weekly

63. Have a spring cleaning month every year, and do one room at a time

64. You don’t need to be best friends with work colleagues, but build respectful partnerships

65. Don’t drink and drive

66. Don’t look for reasons to be angry or sad, look for reasons to be happy. You’ll always be able to find plenty of each.

67. Be friendly with your neighbours

68. Return emails and phone messages promptly

69. Schedule in free time

70. Don’t procrastinate

71. Do what you say you’ll do, when you say you’ll do it

72. Be more flexible when you’re able to be

73. Forgive and forget. End of story.

74. Break the consumerism habit…put a three month moratorium in place on buying anything not deemed a necessity

75. Start your diet on September 1, rather than January 1, so that you won’t also have holiday pounds to lose

76. Take care of any health issues or concerns

77. Have your tires rotated

78. Have your brakes checked

79. Have your eyes checked

80. Don’t let your imagination run away with you

81. Let go of perfection in others

82. Let go of perfection in yourself

83. Don’t try to help those that refuse to help themselves

84. Find a way to reduce your commute to work

85. Have an alloted amount of worry time per day/week, that you strictly abide by

86. Drink more water

87. Eat more salmon

88. Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill

89. Wear your hair in a classic, easy to care for style

90. Finish what you start

91. Wear classic clothes and shoes that never go out of style

92. Create a daily routine

93. Have a 1, 5, 10 and 20 year plan for your financial and life goals

94. Slow down

95. Eat out less often

96. When you ask your husband which outfit looks best, thank him for his answer and wear the one he liked rather than focusing on why he didn’t like the other one

97. Allow your children to grow up

98. Clean out your garage, and donate anything that hasn’t been used in the past year

99. Stretch every day

100. If a relationship is over, let it go

From: www.bellamumma.com/2011/04/100-ways-to-uncomplicate-your-life.html

Oh, the things I'd rather be doing than my art history paper...

2011-04-11T19:04:00.000-07:00

So I have this art history paper due tomorrow. It's not long. It's not too difficult. But there it is anyway, remaining unfinished. I just had a wonderful evening; Dinner outside in the beautiful weather with my friends, complete with watching the sun go down over the mountains, followed by chatting for an extra hour. It's good to be reminded of all the things we take for granted. There's nothing I love more than to just sit and take the world in every now and then. This got me thinking of all the things I've done in my life, as well as the many things I've accomplished within my first year of college, and therefore all the things I eventually want to do.

Travel. I want to go everywhere. I've never been outside of the east coast, and I feel like I'm missing out on so much of the world. It's crazy to think of how much history is outside the United States. Our country is a baby compared to everywhere else. I want to go somewhere where I can feel the history and just be in awe of how many years have come before me. I want to document every single thing. I want to go to Italy, and be amazed at the architecture, the art, the food, the people. I want to go to Greece and see the houses lining the hills above the aquamarine sea. I want to see the redbrick of Spain, find where my ancestors lived in Poland, see the Great Barrier Reef, walk on the Great Wall of China, marvel at the Grand Canyon, and so much more. I want to experience it all.
Speak a different language fluently. I've taken a few years of Latin, a few of Spanish, and I plan on learning Italian before I go to Florence. Latin, you don't speak, and I don't know enough Spanish to hold a conversation, so I'm hoping Italian will stick. It always felt so satisfying to say a sentence in Spanish. It's such a feeling of accomplishment. How cool would it be to be able to go to Italy and hold a conversation with someone??
Have my photography published and/or displayed in a gallery. When my work was displayed earlier this year on campus, it was such a cool feeling. Knowing that people were walking around looking at my photos made me feel so exposed because of how much of myself I put into them, but it was so rewarding and amazing knowing that they're out there. I can only hope that I can have that feeling again some day.
Have a family. I always joke with my friends about how I can't wait to have kids. While I do want to definitely wait to get married and have kids until after college, and probably wait to have kids until I'm at a good point in my career, I get so excited when I think of having children. I feel like it will be the most rewarding experience. And of course I know it will be so hard at times, but all the wonderful moments will make it so worth while.
Fall in love. Enough said.
Do something crazy. I don't do enough of this. Now, I don't mean go crazy and do stupid stuff, but things like going out and having an amazing time and not regretting a moment. Or sneaking out. Or going to DC to go clubbing with my best friend and not telling my parents...oops.
Accomplish something that means something. Ambiguous right? Well, that's because I don't know what I want it to be, but I want to eventually make a difference in some way, shape, or form.

This is just what I came up with tonight while procrastinating. It's kind of fun thinking of what you want to fit into the spaces of your future. There's so much ahead of us. Be excited for it, don't dread it and don't wish it away.

Optimistic Route

2011-04-09T07:53:00.000-07:00

So, yesterday was a wonderful day. After days of rain and cold, the sun was shining and the breeze gentle. The giddy mood around campus was damn near palpable. My two afternoon classes were cancelled, so I was done by 10:45 in the morning! I came back to the dorm, hung out for a bit, went to lunch with the girls and sat outside. Luke came up to my side of campus so we could go to this art exhibit for our class together. It was nice. I was relieved it wasn't awkward. Afterwards, I threw the softball with Mara for a while. It felt amazing. I miss it so much. Then we grabbed two rootbeers and sat out front soaking up sun and watching everyone lounge around outside. It was the most relaxed and happy I've been in a long time.

Later in the afternoon, I took the bus to the studio center to meet my advisor, but then realized her office was in a different building on campus. -_- But, I had my book and my iPod with me, so I went across the street to my favorite coffee place and killed two hours sipping Chai tea and reading this amazing book, The Pact. I did something similar to this last week, and just sat at the coffee house for an hour, no book, no music. It was so nice. I'm around people 24/7 here, so it's nice to get a little bit of time to yourself. It really lets you unwind and think. I decided after that moment, I'm going to try and make time to do something like that once a week. It really calms the nerves and lets you work things out with yourself, as weird as that sounds.

We have quite a weekend planned ahead of us. Tomorrow, I plan on getting up and heading to the gym in the morning. Then JMU is having an event called Madipalooza right outside my dorm, so the girls on my hall and I are going to check it out. Looks pretty fun. Tomorrow night, we're going out. I'm really excited. It's freeing to get out every now and then. I'm a little apprehensive just because Mara is hanging out with my friend from high school, and the two of them are getting close, and he will be joining us tomorrow night. I really hope we go out with more people than just the three of us, because it would be very awkward otherwise, just in the sense that I'd feel like a third wheel. Also, it's nice having another single gal there with you. But anyway, then Sunday is supposed to be absolutely gorgeous, so we're going to try to go hiking. I'm hoping for some amazing photos.

We're trying to make the most of the three weekends left in the semester. I don't know what I'm going to do this summer away from these girls. We've all gotten so close. Living with people really bonds you together. We've gotten so use to doing everything together, we're not going to be able to function normally!! We plan on many roadtrips this summer. =)

This life is amazing. I can't imagine being anywhere else or being anyone else. Yeah, of course there are things I want to change, but really, what do I have to complain about? I'm young, I've got the support of many amazing people, and the world is at my disposal. How many people can say that? I'm grateful for everything I have in my life right now. I wouldn't want to take any of it for granted.

Lesson Two: Don't Be an Art Major

2011-04-03T19:06:00.000-07:00

So, I sat down and planned out the next three years of college. I might just cry. I don't know why it never occurred to me before, but 78 credits of just art is a lottttt of art. And only 35 of those are photography related. That may not sound too terrible for someone who's an art major, but let me tell you, each one of these art classes is 2 1/2 hours long and requires double that in outside work hours. Next year, eight out of my ten classes will be art classes. Eight. I took two studio classes last semester together and it practically killed me. This upcoming fall, I will be taking 3 studio classes, one art history, and a gen ed.

At least I'll be taking three photography classes next year. That will make things better. I've been waiting patiently to take photo. =) I'm so excited. My high school photography teacher didn't teach me much, so I'm looking forward to learning all the darkroom tricks and also more about the cameras and overall composition quality. Photo excursions will be so much more frequent next year. I'm so happy when I'm letting the camera talk for me.

So I basically will have no life whatsoever the rest of my college career outside of art. Kill. Me. Now. But, if I survive this upcoming year, I know I will be able to accomplish anything. At least, after the four years I will be walking away with a BFA that will hopefully get me where I want to be. Also, at least I know I had a blast my freshman year. Only four weeks left to enjoy the freedom. I plan on living it up.

Lesson One

2011-03-30T20:18:00.001-07:00

“Look at you. You’re young. And you’re scared. Why are you so scared? Stop being paralyzed. Stop swallowing your words. Stop caring what other people think. Wear what you want. Say what you want. Listen to the music you want to listen to. Play it loud as fuck and dance to it. Go out for a drive at midnight and forget that you have school the next day. Stop waiting for Friday. Live now. Do it now. Take risks. Tell secrets. This life is yours. When are you going to realize that you can do whatever you want?”

I'm the Only One in Love

2011-03-27T18:57:00.000-07:00

This year has definitely taught me many things about life. I've learned a lot about myself, with all the good things and the bad. I learned how I deal with stress. With change. With new people. With responsibility. With love. With heartbreak. With loss.

My hardest lesson would had to have been my most recent one. I fell hard for a boy. A boy that happened to be everything I could ever want. Everything. I let my heart win over my head. I had too much hope. I left my heart and soul out in the open with no protection. As always, I gave too much. I cared too much. I was disappointed. I was left stranded. And it was my fault.

I hate how fragile I can be. I've always thought of myself so strong in my sense of self. I thought I was everyone else's rock. I stayed strong throughout so much worse. And then he comes into my life, and one ounce of hope melts away any strength I thought I had. Then when I try to protect myself and tell myself I'm fine with the way things are, one incident sends shockwaves through me and shatters my heart to where I still can't believe it. I ache. What I wouldn't do to go back. Whether to before this weekend, or to the very beginning I couldn't tell you. Because while I'd like to think it would've been better knowing the outcome before building myself up for the letdown, that first month of oblivion was the happiest I had been in a very long time.

I still don't know what's going to happen. I still don't know how I'm going to cope. With so many pieces to put back together, I don't think they'll ever fit back together quite the way they did before. My only solace is knowing that all things happen for a reason. I strongly believe in that.

The Most Dangerous Game

2011-03-18T19:55:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine just spoke of an experience he had where a mentor of him, in the midst of heartbreak, told him to never fall in love. This friend is a beautiful person who has yet to experience love, and this comment left him a bit torn, confused, and hurt. He's not naive to believe that hurt is unavoidable with love, but he does hope to one day find the love where there is no heartbreak.

I've yet to be "in love" with someone, though I do believe I have experienced love. I told him that I believe the most dangerous thing we will ever do is fall in love. You sacrifice your heart, your mind, your life, and your well-being for love. This I know for a fact. The goal is to find someone worth it. I said that I have faith it will come his way and that I hope he is never discouraged so much that he gives up on love, for while it's the most dangerous, it could be the most life-changing in a good way.

I only hope that I can believe in my own words.

Remember When We Were Young...

2011-03-17T21:03:00.000-07:00

I don't want to say it's breaking my heart
And I don't know where to start
Old friends are falling apart
Time like the name of a man
Covered and we both can whine
I miss the straight, straight lines

The old times

"Straight Lines" - Dawn Landes

Back and Forth

2011-03-14T07:22:00.000-07:00

This isn't the first time I've fallen for a guy. This isn't the first time my heart has been compromised. However, this is the first time I honestly and truly believe there could be something amazing here. And yet, here I am trying to forget my feelings for him. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I didn't expect it to be this hard. I think it's because while my head is telling me this would be the better option, my heart won't let him go.

I decided a few weeks ago that I would stop building up my hopes for something more with this boy. It had been over a month, and while things were moving forward, they weren't going in quite the direction I was hoping. I can't read this guy. We hang out pretty frequently, we've gone to dinner and he's paid, we had wine night for goodness sake, and we've had moments that were truly great. I have no idea what his feelings are, and I don't want to lose him by asking. I love being around him. He's really a genuine and amazing guy, and I'd rather have him in my life as a friend than nothing, so I'm going to call us friends for right now. If something happens in the future, that's great, but I'm not going to sit around waiting for it. I have too much going on in my life to wait around for someone, no matter how great he is.

I talked to my dad, and he told me that if he really is that important to me, I should just ask him what we are and what we're doing. I decided, since it's the guy's turn to pick our hangout, that if he takes the initiative and asks me out again, I'll bring it up to him and just ask what it is that we're doing and what he thinks of us. It's killing me not knowing, and I don't want to go on wondering what could have been.

Falling

2011-02-17T14:07:00.001-08:00

I told myself I wouldn't put too much stock into this boy. I said that I wouldn't care if things stayed as they are. Who was I kidding? I must be a glutton for punishment. I think of nothing but Luke. I know this must be getting boring to anyone who has read my last few posts, but I just have to say how amazing this boy is. He's fucking brilliant. His mind is amazing. He's so honest. He'll tell you whatever is on his mind and exactly what he's thinking. He's not afraid to express his feelings. He feels music like I do. He pays for dinner. He makes me coffee. He picks me up in his car. He listens like everything you say is the most amazing and profound thing in the entire world. His eyes are incredible. It's actually painful how badly I want to touch his face and kiss his lips. He's a true gentleman. He doesn't care what anyone else thinks. He's different. He's mature. Ahhh he's so incredible. I want to know what he thinks of us so bad. I'm falling hard for this boy and I have no intention of stopping myself.

Preoccupied

2011-02-09T19:39:00.001-08:00

I just can’t get over how much more I like you each and every day. It’s amazing I get anything done with how much of my day is preoccupied with thinking about you. I like sharing things with you and telling you stories. I like the way my heart pounds when I see you. I like spending time with just you and me. I like finding out something else new about you. It’s killing me that I’m going home this weekend because that means that I won’t see you. I count down the minutes until I can see you again. I feel my face light up when you walk in. My friends can tell when you text me because of the ridiculous smile that plays across my lips. I like getting caught up thinking about you.

I Love...

2011-02-04T21:26:00.001-08:00

hearing a text message notification and only hoping it’s you asking me what I’m doing tonight.

seeing that it’s you asking me what I’m doing tonight.

having dinner with you.

riding in your car listening to you sing Katy Perry.

your green eyes.

the way you listen to every word I say.

your hatred of mushrooms.

your cologne.

finding out what else we have in common.

finding out what else we don’t.

being around you.

knowing there will be a next time.

The Year for Chances

2011-01-27T14:03:00.000-08:00

On New Year's Eve, my friend asked me if I had a New Year's resolution. I hadn't thought about it up until that point, so her question caught me off guard. I answered, "I'm going to be more confident in myself and take more chances in my life." As soon as I said it, I realized I believed it. It really was what I wanted to change in my life this year. I was tired of taking the safe route and never knowing what could have been. No regrets. I hear of young lives being cut short every day. I need to live mine to the fullest.

My resolution came into play the first day of classes. I tried my best to talk to someone in each class as a way to lessen my nerves and meet new people. It did make me feel a little better, and made me realize that most people will respond to simple interaction. My newfound determination was first put to the test last Tuesday. I sat in my normal seat in Art History. It was just any old day, nothing special. Then a guy came and sat two seats down from me. I noticed him, but went back to doing whatever I was doing. He then turned to me, and asked me a question. This led to a whole discussion during the ten, fifteen minutes before the professor began class. I noticed his smile, his eyes, his easy style, and, of course, our common favorite drink. After the class, I felt so happy that things were happening without me trying. A week later (after putting him through my tests that included where he sat next class, if he talked first, did he smile when he saw me, did he wave as he left, etc.), I devised a plan. After putting on skype fashion shows with my best friend from another college, I had the confidence I needed to ask him to coffee. I had my doubts, of course. I put a lot of planning into it, and after class, I walked out of the room with him and just let the words come cool and calmly out of my mouth. Five minutes later, I have his number and a date. Never has something like this been so simple for me. I usually pine over a guy for who knows how long and then things just don't work out. They never do. But this time, because I just let it happen, stopped looking for it, and trusted myself, I ended up doing something I never thought I could've done in a hundred years.

We met up at our art history building and walked to the coffee shop. We sat and drank coffee and he asked me questions. I could see by the way he looked at me so intently and seriously that he was really listening to every answer I gave. He asked me to lunch and we walked there together in the rain. I told him I have a surprise to show him before taking him to my gallery. He was so impressed by them. It made me feel so proud but also so exposed at the same time. My pictures are like pieces of my heart and mind, and having something so person on display is very nerveracking. Believe me, I love seeing my pictures up there, but it's also a little scary. He seemed to genuinely be interested in them, though. And when we looked at the other girl's photos, he said he didn't like her that much. He said they were just snapshots, whereas mine told stories. It was such a compliment, because that is what I strive to do in each one of my pictures. The date ended with us standing at the bus stop in the snow. I wish the bus hadn't come so quickly. Now the ball is in his court. I'm leaving it up to him. I'll drop hints and continue to flirt shamelessly, but I asked him out first, so he can ask second. And you know what, the date was wonderful and sweet, but if things don't progress, I'm perfectly fine with remaining friends. He seems like one of the few guys here who is mature and a true gentleman. I sure hope we get to hang out again soon.

So 2011 is my year for taking chances. So far, it's worked pretty well. =)

Downtown

2011-01-24T16:58:00.000-08:00

I had the most amazing weekend with my friends here at JMU. I really feel like I've found the people that I'm most myself around. It took a long time, but it was so worth it in the end. All those days of feeling left out have all led me to here and now. These girls make me laugh, these girls make me happy, these girls believe in me, and these girls understand me. They can make me forget about all the apprehension I have for my big day tomorrow, while all the same still caring. They meticulously disect conversations with a certain boy, plan for future conversations, and even sit through me modeling the clothes I shall wear for the next time I see him. They make life here at JMU so much better, and I'm so happy to have them in my life.

Girly Emotions

2011-01-18T18:05:00.000-08:00

It is so hard not to get your hopes up when he sounds so perfect. I only wish, just this once, that things will work out. It's funny, because my hopes will get high, but so will my doubts. All those familiar voices saying the things I've thought after every bad experience. And the fact that this comes at such perfect timing can't just be coincidence. How many nights have I sat up thinking, "If only I had a boy to hold me, to protect me." All those nights dancing with faceless guys, with their arms wrapped around me have really messed with my head. Man, how long has it been since I've had a CRUSH?? It feels so high school. I only hope it becomes real. I won't mess this one up. I refuse.

Dreams of Florence

2011-01-04T21:15:00.000-08:00

I can't help it. Every time I see Eat, Pray, Love, I want to go to Italy soooo bad!! I dream of the architecture, the history, the culture, the colors, the smells, the FOOD! In just two years time, I will be there. It will finally be real. My life of never venturing outside the East Coast will be changed forever. I will be in Florence. I will be learning Italian, visiting art museums, tasting delicious foods and wines, and capturing every detail in photographs. This trip will signify everything I hope to accomplish out of my photography career. Experience. Every person perceives things, feels things, in different ways.

I want to capture it. I want to freeze it in time. I want to be able to bring people into that experience. My experience, as the way I look at it will be mine and only mine. That's all I want to do.

Instead of a writer wanting someone to listen to their words, I want someone to listen to me by seeing what I see, feeling what I felt. I can do it, too. Pictures. They hold it all. I've seen it. How else can a simple photo of my grandpa smiling his familiar smile bring me to tears from remembrance? How else can laughter bubble out of my mouth when I see my cherished memories displayed on photo paper? Pictures hold it all. It's up to me to put it there.

One Year

2010-12-19T00:31:00.000-08:00

Today marks the year that has passed since my grandfather lost his battle with cancer. He was a tremendous person, and I miss him more and more every day. Not a day goes by do I not wish I could have one more day with him, as well as my other grandparents who have slipped from my life. It kills me when I hear people complain about having to visit grandparents. If only they knew what a treasure they possess and how dearly they should hold it. There are three spots in my heart that ache each day I remember I will no longer hear my grandma's laugh, or find my other grandma in the kitchen, or listen to Pa's stories. Nothing can replace a grandparent and I look at each day I get to spend with my granddaddy, as well as the rest of my family, as the best gift I could ever receive.

OneRepublic - Good Life

2010-12-12T14:28:00.000-08:00

My new favorite song. This gives me chills and makes me smile every time I hear it. It's a good life.

Focus

2010-12-06T18:42:00.000-08:00

Man, am I bad at studying. I don't know if it's the fact that students barely have to study in high school, or that I'm just too hyped knowing that I'll be done with this semester come next Tuesday, but I suck at keeping focused. This post, for example, comes at a time when I should be studying for my psych exam, which is this coming Wednesday. I brought all of my books into the study lounge, and I still ended up back here on the internet. Between here, Xanga, and Facebook, I've wasted an hour and a half. How the hell does that happen? I'm the worst studier/focuser on the planet. Even those people who goof off can study. I'm going to post this blog and devote myself to an hour...45 minutes...I'm going to devote myself to a good 30 minutes of studying. Yessirybob! You betcha. Just as soon as I post this, check this, go there, and maybe do that...

I'll keep you updated on my progress. Don't have high hopes.

Artist's Statement

2010-12-01T17:43:00.001-08:00

Through my eyes, the world can be broken down into snapshots; snapshots that can delve into the very essence and core of a person. With each click of the shutter, what is seen through my eyes becomes a photograph, and serves as a permanent doorway between then and now. My role as a photographer allows me to make unbreakable connections with my artwork. I can capture a single moment within a frame and generate everlasting emotion. Part of being a photographer is finding the perfect moment, a defining moment, and presenting it in a way that tells a story. One picture can hold the past, present, and future of a subject.

It is pictures like this one that define me as a photographer. These pictures are not measured by skill and training, but by an artistic eye that sees beyond the obvious. Photographs are so powerful is so many different ways. They can take us into someone else’s world, home, and life. In the way authors express every thought, feeling, and emotion through words, photographers capture their point of view on photo paper for the world to see. The truest and most effective way of communicating my feelings is by showing what I see, exactly as I see it. Creating a distinct and focused emotion is what photography is about and that is what I am about.

Discovery

2010-11-30T18:57:00.000-08:00

I love JMU. But, I love being home as well. My school is only an hour and a half away from my home, so it's so convenient to visit when I feel like it. My friends, however, don't understand this at all. They're always like, "You're going home again?" I feel like they think I go home because I need to, when that's not the case at all. Yes, I absolutely love being home, but I'm aware that I need to be separating from my parents and creating my own life. I get that. If I had to, I could go months without coming home. It's not that I can't, I just don't want to. Stress and anxiety build up so much here, and the only place I can get some relief is home. It's my safe haven. When I feel like JMU is too much, I escape. I know you can't do that in real life; You can't just take off and leave things behind, but it's my first semester of college and being away from home. That's a lot of change right there. So forgive me if I go home every once in a while to spend time with my family, or celebrate a birthday.

My friend, who is an only child mind you, told me that she doesn't want to go back home after winter break until spring break. She said she gets bored at home and that she likes being at college better. Meanwhile, her mom is going through a very difficult time letting her go, along with other pressures. I just don't think I could cut them off that quickly, and that absolutely. Yes, my parents hide that they miss me like crazy, but it doesn't mean that I don't realize it. I go home not only for me, but for them as well.

I understand everyone else's positions, because everyone is different. It just hurts when people look at me like I go home because I can't stay. They don't even try to understand my reasons. They make assumptions and come to their own conclusions. "Oh, Sarah is just too attached." Should I be unattached? "What are you going to do when you study abroad in Italy? You can't just go home when you want." Really? No shit. I know this. For one, Italy is over 2 years away. I believe by then, I will be more than comfortable with being away from family for a long time, and also with being outside the country by myself. And two, Italy is my dream. I would never let homesickness hold me back. This particular comment drives me up the wall.

I will admit, in the beginning of college, I was falling apart at the seams. My anxiety was higher than ever, I was PMSing, I felt like an outsider, and I was terribly, and desperately homesick. That was the beginning. I'm ok now. And no matter how many times I tell people that, they still give me that look when I tell them I'm going home this weekend. Now, I try to keep my trips home a secret just because I don't want the hassle. And just for the record, I do not go home every weekend. Before Thanksgiving, I hadn't been home in a month. And before that, it was always 2 or 3 weeks in between visits. Yeah, if I lived farther away, it would be a different story, too. I don't think me wanting to go home every once in a while is the problem. I think when you don't want to go home and see you family, that's a problem. I feel sorry for those people. I'll keep connected with my family, and they can drift all they want. Their life. My life.

He Only Plays Ave Maria For Me.

2010-11-22T07:20:00.000-08:00

It's almost been a full year. On some levels that seems so fast, but on other levels it feels like it still hasn't happened. This will be our first Thanksgiving without Pa. I never realized how big a part of my life he held. When he passed away, the world seemed to stop everything. My grandma passed away when I was very young, so maybe Pa's death encompassed the grieving for both because of the way Pa kept her alive. Then there was the selling of his house, the giving away of the furniture, and the passing down of his green station wagon. Every little bit tore my heart. Now we have the chimes that use to play outside on his porch on our back patio. They remind me of him every time they play. We also have his clock that played Ave Maria, my grandma's favorite song. He lived with us for less than a month before his death, and so we brought the clock to our house for him. We had it turned up loud so he could hear it. All hours of the night, too. The volume got lower and lower and Pa slipped away, because the song made everyone sad. After his death, we turned the ringer off completely. During the summer, early in the morning, I was sitting in the den that once was Pa's room, watching TV. When the clock struck the hour, Ave Maria played loud and clear. It had been probably eight months since it had played. Ever since then, it played very, very lightly, and only when you listen hard, can you hear the familiar tune float around you. Most will go on without noticing, except for me. I listen for it at every hour. I had this notion that he only played Ave Maria for me, him and grandma up there coming up with ways to tell me they're still with me. It always makes me sad to think of either of them not being here, but the fact that they are together in heaven always makes it better. Ave Maria, gratia plena.

Good Days.

2010-11-02T18:17:00.000-07:00

Good days make the bad days worth while.

Yesterday had two good parts.

1 - My photography will be on display in Warren Hall in January. I'm so excited!!!

2. I got an A on my 2D Design project. VICTORY!!

Here are some new photos from October.

Oh, Anxiety

2010-10-27T19:50:00.000-07:00

Why do you always have to reappear in my life? You grip my stomach and make my heart pound. You start in the morning and ruin my day. I can't seem to escape you. Some say "what doesn't kill you will make you stronger," but I only feel weaker. Feeling this way makes me feel like a failure, especially when I tell my family I'm having a tough day. I hate worrying them over something I should be able to conquer by now. Anxiety, you really make life harder than it already is. You've invaded my father's mind, as well as my best friend's, and now you have come to find me. Oh anxiety. Why do you always have to reappear in my life?

And Then it Hits You...

2010-10-19T18:38:00.000-07:00

..."I'm in college." Never thought it would take two months to come to this realization. What seemed like an impossible task at the beginning, has turned into an experience I cannot even describe. I'm doing it! I'm making it through college. I love my school, I love my friends, and I love being an adult. Sometimes I have days filled with stress and loneliness, and it's hard to cope without a parent or a best friend, but that's where you learn to pick yourself up and get through it. It's the only way to keep sane.

So far, I've encountered all-nighters, frustration with classes to the point of tears, boys who play with hearts, the drunk bus, Natty, and amazing people. And that doesn't cover even half of it. Many days are hard, but I'm starting to get the hang of this whole college thing. =)

Alone

2010-10-01T06:02:00.000-07:00

Is being alone the same thing as loneliness?

I don't think so. I'm in a dorm room with another person, a building with people everywhere, and on a campus with 17,000 students. I still feel lonely.

Why is it so much easier for everyone else? I miss my friends. I miss having friends. I know people and I'll hang out with people here, but it feels as if everyone has started forming their circles and I'm on the outside of every single one of them.

I don't want to sound pathetic, and I don't want to complain. I just wonder why it is that I'm still alone when I'm never alone?

Love

2010-09-29T20:05:00.000-07:00

Is it such a terrible thing to want love so desperately, you would continue down a path that you know will only lead you to heartbreak? The fact that I believed him so easily should have been the warning sign. I know myself well enough to know that it is only when I want something so unbelievably bad, that I will somehow screw it up for myself.

Is it such a terrible thing to want love so desperately, your heart jumps to your throat when you think of spending another day without someone? Anyone? All I want is a pair of protective arms around me. Assurance of who I am. Someone who gives me butterflies in the pit of my stomach with just the slightest thought. A partner who I can spend time with, talk to, feel comfortable with, and call mine. Someone I can give all of this love inside of me to, to share it with.

Is it such a terrible thing?

I Always Fall...

2010-09-19T14:32:00.001-07:00

...way too quickly.

Refresher

2010-09-17T12:18:00.000-07:00

Things have turned around here at JMU. I've grown to love everything about campus. Sometimes I have bad days where I question my ability to keep going, but once I tell myself that things will begin to look up, my day gets better. While I'm not the type of person who can go up to anyone and become friends with them, I have gone outside my comfort zone and tried. I've made some good friends who I feel good around, and I've gotten to know some acquaintences that I probably would have been too scared to approach back home. I still worry each morning about who I'm going to have lunch and dinner with and how I'm going to fill up my time, but things usually seem to fall into place on their own, once I just let it happen. It's a good feeling.

Classes have been pretty decent so far. Nothing too difficult. Art takes up most of my time, and usually stresses me out the most. I thought my drawing class would be more difficult than my 2D class, but it's actually the other way around. My 2D design teacher, athough very nice, is very vague. She expects us to know how to do different techniquess right off the bat, when it's a foundations course. She's also very free, which would be nice, had this been a more advanced class, or at least further into the semester. I need direction and structure right now! My drawing teacher is awesome. She can be a bit blunt, but not mean. She understands that while we have some very talented drawers in the class, the majority of us are beginners who, quite frankly, suck. She walks us through step-by-step on most drawings, and I have learned so much in the few classes we've had. I'm not as stressed for this class, as much as I am for my 2D class, which surprises me because of how much I struggle with drawing.

My non-art classes are pretty mild so far. Psych is easy because I've taken it before. It gets boring sometimes, just because it's what I've already learned before. Have to write my one and only paper for the class in these next few weeks. My calculus class is a complete joke. My teacher has taught the subject since the 70's, yet she can't explain anything correctly. I'm so happy I took calculus with Mr. Mergen last year. I would be so lost otherwise. My communications class is pretty cool. The teacher is a young guy, and he's cool and everything, he gets really into the subject and gets kind of philosophical, but he's pretty cool. I have to write a 5-7 minute informative speech, which is going to be terrible because I absolutely hate public speaking. I freak out so bad. My topic is childhood stroke because I know a lot about it and people don't usually think of kids having strokes, because it's so rare. Hopefully I can talk about it for 5-7 minutes...

I went to the artWorks gallery across from the studio center today. They regularly showcase student work, and they were having a photography exhibit, so I went to check it out. It was so awesome. I was so incredibly impressed by the talent that these students have. It was totally unique and different. Looking through all the pictures, it reminded me of my love for photography and why I want to do this so badly. I can't wait to start my photo classes and learn as much as possible.

Things are looking up in Harrisonburg.

Where I'm From

2010-08-28T21:54:00.000-07:00

This was an exercise my orientation group at JMU and I had to do today after a presentation about diversity on campus. I wrote this, not realizing I'd be reading it to a group of strangers. It was terrifying, and almost painful, but it also made me feel a lot more comfortable with my group.

I'm from small town Warrenton,
Middle of nowhere to most, but home to me.

I'm from my single-floor home,
With my living room packed with people I love

I'm from parents who are my closest friends.
My best friend who is my sister in so many ways but blood related.
My brother who cares for me more than he'd ever show
And more than I'd ever know.

I'm from quick dinners at 5, trips to Effee's,
Being with my family most Sundays.

I'm from "pleases" and "thank you's",
and "goodnights" and "love you's"

I'm from easy mac and chocolate chip cookies

I'm from Pa and Grandma's,
To funerals and ceremonies

I'm from illness and hardship
But also from strength and triumph.

I'm from a life all my own.
I'm from a family that is my home.

I've been sooo homesick and anxious since arriving here last Tuesday. I cry every time I call my parents, and every time I remember I won't see them at the end of the day, so this exercise was hard to write, and harder to read, but I feel like it broke everyone down into individuals instead of a group. I learned that diversity is so much farther than skin deep, and that everyone has their own story that makes them that much different.

Thoughts

2010-08-21T09:12:00.000-07:00

So I started thinking about thinking today. I've found there are certain places where I do most of my thinking, places where I have my most profound thoughts. There are three places in particular that help me get my ideas in order. I've listed them below, the first being the best place, then the other two in decending order.

1. The shower - I don't know if it's the melodic sound of the pellets of the water hitting the tub, or the steam surrounding you and seemingly slowing everything around it down, but I find myself contemplating every aspect of my life in the shower each day. It's where I came up for the idea of this post. I take my time in the shower, being careful not to rush any part, for fear I'll mess up the entire process. Even when in a rush, I slow down once I turn on the hot water. It's where I question my decisions, where I can safely let tears carry away built up emotion, and where time seems to stop in that short moment of bliss. For many, a shower is just a necessary part of their day; Something they have to do before getting on to bigger and better things. For me, it's one of the highlights of my day.

2. Bed - For a long portion of my life, I remember being excited to go to bed at night. That's because, no matter what the day held, everything would hold on to let me sleep. It was the time where I didn't have to worry about getting something done or deadlines, because this was the time where all I had to do was just close my eyes and shut the whole world out for a little bit. This gave me time to think. Under the cover and comfort of a heavy quilt, I was free to bounce ideas inside my head until I fell asleep. I would think of everything from past, present, to future, going over each detail with such meticulousness that sometimes an hour would pass in what seemed like a few seconds. I could never tell where my thoughts stopped and where my dreams began.

3. The car - For every teenager, their first car equals freedom; Freedom to go where they please when they please. My Oldsmobile has been my safe haven these past three years. Fights with parents and friends, bad days, illness, death - it all was addressed in my car. Sometimes I would drive the backroads of Fauquier county for hours with the radio off, windows down, and my head filled. By the time I pulled Lady Blue back into the driveway each time, my heart rate was lower and my thoughts in a straighter line than before I got behind the wheel. You can say driving while emotional is dangerous, but for me, it was my therapy.

These places have each witnessed my moments of triumph, as well as those of heartbreak and depression. In a few short days, I will be trading my shower for a public one at the end of my hall, my bed that has held me for 15 years for a new one to be in a room shared by another person, and my car for the JMU bus. It would seem I will be finding new thinking spots come August 24th, but I'm sure I'll be fine.